The holidays are behind us, the celebrations long gone and now that we are firmly entrenched in the new year, it is time to take stock in our primary relationship. Whether there are children involved or not, coming to the realization that your marriage isn’t working can be painful and is always life altering. The truth is that life is too short to remain in a relationship that can not be made to work. Ignoring the signs of your collapsing marriage can only lead to misery, or at the very least, complacent endurance.
Here are just a few signs that the marriage is well and truly over:
1. You are angry/sad/apathetic most of every day.
If the sight of your spouse’s face inspires ANY of these emotions whenever you see them, you need to seriously consider getting away from that person, and not just for your own sake, but for theirs and any kids involved. Momentary pique can be disguised, but long running negative emotions directed towards one person are impossible to hide. You begin to grouse and to gripe…to say little things to let that other person know they are not what you want. In the long run, it takes you away from the person you want to be, and makes the other person feel like trash. You can’t possible be happy or even content ALL the time, but you shouldn’t have to contemplate spending most of your waking hours unhappy.
2. One of you cheats and the marriage is unable to recover.
Many couples can get over infidelity, but it takes commitment, honesty, and a lot time for each party to come to terms with an act that many consider the ultimate betrayal. Naturally, it helps if husband and wife still love each other as it allows for the desire to seek and grant forgiveness between a couple that can at least agree there are parts of the marriage worth preserving. However, sometimes the act of forgiveness is beyond the wronged party, or the unfaithful spouse cheated simply as a way out of their marriage.
3. Sex is not sexy.
Many couples consider the waning of sex after marriage to be an acceptable side effect of the institution. If a couple goes from intimacy twice a week, to once a week, or a few times a month, that can be attributed to changing schedules and increased responsibilities. But if you look upon sex with your partner with dread or anxiety, but you still want sex to be a part of your life, either seek a licensed therapist (if you feel the rest or your marriage works), or if you feel this is part of a larger disconnection between you and the thought of seeking titillation outside the marriage is MORE appealing, its better to make a clean break without involving others if you want to minimize bitterness between you and your soon to be ex.
4. You can’t agree on anything (also known as fighting about EVERYTHING)
If you can’t solve simple day-to-day problems or find common ground from which to negotiate for important matters like child-rearing or religion, then the relationship may be beyond saving. To be clear, everyone argues, but most people in working relationship can attempt to see the other person’s point of view and/or acknowledge validity to different arguments, but once a relationship has soured to the point that you can only consider your spouse as an enemy, to be annihilated at all costs, there is really no point in that person even being in that relationship. Do yourself a favor and end it before you accuse them of illogical and untrue motivations-or before you are the one being accused.
5. Nobody says, or shows, the love.
According to the famous 1992 book, The Five Languages of Love: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, different people express their devotion in different ways, and how you demonstrate your love for your spouse becomes the accepted language by which to do so. These languages are : words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. By this logic, it may not be unusual for your spouse not to say I love you often, but to stop and get you your favorite coffee every morning or to warm up your car during the winter is how they show you their affection. If these actions suddenly stop, in conjunction with other signs of waning interest, your spouse may be showing you how they feel (or don’t feel) in the language of love that has been established by the history of your relationship. They may not even notice, but once you do it can be devastating.
These are just a few examples of signs your marriage may be beyond help. At the very least, they are warning signals that something is deeply wrong, and help is needed to get back on track.