After a divorce or a breakup, there are still going to be awkward interactions with your ex. After being together, you share friends and therefore, you will continue to have some social groups in common. As much as you may want to, you won’t be able to completely control the situation, especially at social gatherings. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to face these moments without a plan. Here are some steps you can take to make these interactions as smooth as possible.
Mentally prepare yourself before you go. Remind yourself why you aren’t together anymore. Seeing your ex in a situation where they are on their best behavior may remind you why you loved them. However, these rose-colored glasses are not going to help you. So when you find the world taking on a rosy tint, take a minute to shake it off and keep enjoying yourself. And it’s okay to feel sad about your former relationship, so you shouldn’t feel bad if you need to take a minute to step away and collect yourself before you head back out.
In the moment, don’t panic and ignore them or look like you’re trying too hard. Now is not the time for a miniskirt, nor is it the time for pretending to be blind to an ex’s existence. These actions will simply make you seem immature and childish. Also, don’t bring a date in hopes of making your ex jealous. This will only leave you feeling awkward with a date you may not even enjoy. Remember, you once loved your ex. Respect them now and act maturely and they’ll probably do the same. You don’t need to completely avoid your ex, just keep it short, simple, and civil when you do need to interact with them.
Take a wingman (or wingwoman) with you. Going alone leaves you without a buffer to make small talk. They can also help by steering you towards the dessert table instead of accidentally towards your ex. There’s something very comforting about having a close friend by your side in an awkward moment, especially someone who understands the situation and won’t leave you alone to flounder while they gab.
Finally, don’t let your ex being there ruin the day for you. Remember, you came to this event because you wanted to see friends and celebrate them. Try not to dwell on their presence or focus on your ex at all. Relax and have a good time knowing that while you can’t control everything, you’re prepared for most of it.
When going through a divorce, one person may be eligible for spousal support from their partner. This can be temporary support whereby one spouse makes payments to the other for them to maintain the status quo during the divorce proceedings and before everything is finalized. Then there is “permanent” spousal support, or alimony (these terms are interchangeable) this is meant to help maintain the marital standard of living for the supported spouse during the duration of the support order. The supported spouse will also need to be making all good faith efforts to be self-supporting during this time. Often during a divorce, one spouse has been out of the workforce and they cannot quickly reintegrate and find employment, and maintain their lifestyle. Therefore, spousal support laws aim to prevent one spouse from suffering a decrease in the marital standard of living.
Not all cases require or include a party to pay either temporary or permanent spousal support. If it is a part of a divorce it can immediately become one of the biggest expenses incurred. Spousal support can last for years, so every adjustment can mean a difference of thousands of dollars. To calculate spousal support, you can settle out of court or pursue litigation. Temporary spousal support in California is calculated by a formula, while “permanent” support is not. “Permanent” spousal support is determined by the weighing of several factors, so while settling out of court may save you legal fees in the short term, the long-term effects of a spousal support agreement that does not include the analysis of the factors or is not litigated could cause you to lose money in the long run. By pursuing litigation, the terms of support will be much firmer. Spousal earning capacity can be established by the testimony of a licensed vocational counselor, arrangements for making modifications or termination of support in the case of a change in income for either party, and the paying spouse will be able to hash out their payment in accordance with all aspects of their income.
There are numerous factors to consider in determining spousal support. Things like the final division of the assets and debts, the marital standard of living, upcoming retirement, remarriage, and self-employment can affect spousal support amounts while something like a prospective raise cannot. Similarly, since California is a no-fault state, any affairs your partner may have had are not taken into consideration when deciding support unless they are cohabitating with another partner, which may merit a decrease their need for support.
In addition to the amount per month that is paid, the duration of spousal support payments also needs to be determined. A general rule of thumb is that payments will last for half the length of a marriage that lasted less than ten years. If the marriage lasted longer than ten years the court can not set a time limit for spousal support absent an agreement by the parties. In this case, the burden to prove that spousal support is no longer necessary will fall on the party who pays support.
In total, spousal support is something that can weigh heavily on divorce proceedings. For the paying spouse, it can be a large expense on top of divorce proceedings that needs to be realized and for the unemployed spouse, it can save them a large financial burden in the long run. If you find yourself in a position where you may need to receive or pay spousal support, taking the proceedings for support to court may seem like a hassle in the short-term, but the long-term effects of such a significant part of a divorce can make the extra court proceedings worth it.
Copyright © 2019 TDC FAMILY LAW All Rights Reserved.
1210 SOUTH BASCOM AVENUE, SUITE 224
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA 95128-3535
TEL: 408-267-8484/FAX: 408-267-8489
Santa Clara County/San Mateo County San Jose, Santa Clara, Cupertino, Los Altos, Sunnyvale, Los Gatos, Monte Sereno, Saratoga, Palo Alto, Morgan Hill, Gilroy, Redwood City
DIVORCE/CHILD CUSTODY/CHILD VISITATION/CHILD SUPPORT/SPOUSAL SUPPORT/PERSONAL PROPERTY AND REAL PROPERTY DIVISION/CONTEMPT/MODIFICATIONS/DCSS/COURT APPEARANCES/PRIVATE SETTLEMENT JUDGE/EX PARTE MOTIONS/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/RESTRAINING ORDERS/BUSINESS MATTERS/CONSULTING ATTORNEY IN MEDIATION/ REGISTERED DOMESTIC PARTNERS (RDP) AND SAME SEX MARRIAGES