In California, there are two types of contempt of court proceedings. Direct contempt, which occurs when someone misbehaves in court or behaves disrespectfully towards the courts or its proceedings, and Indirect Contempt, when a party fails to obey a judge’s orders.  The repercussions can range from financial restitution to actual jail time, so parties may want to think long and hard before they decide to disobey a judge’s mandates.

First and foremost, be aware that violating a custody order is breaking the law under Penal Code section 278.5.  You may not think about it this way, as criminal court, family court, and civil court can seem like entirely different animals due to differences in procedure, but an order given by a judge holds the same weight regardless of venue.  If a criminal judge made an order understood to mean certain jail time if violated, a law-abiding citizen would do their best to adhere to that order…the same consideration needs to be given to a family court judge when rulings are made in matters of child custody.

The court takes into consideration a variety of factors when determining custody.  If a custody agreement already exists between parents, a judge is likely to take that under advisement.  It is not just the parents who can voice their desires, but also the children, depending on what age they are.  Suitability for parenting is also a major consideration…Is either parent emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially capable of providing care for the child?  What are the changes that have occurred in the child’s life and what are the likely changes that will happen once the dust settles on the proceedings?  Lastly, what are the relationships between all the parties, parents and children included?  Is there a history of abuse, neglect or animosity between the child or either parent or between former spouses?  None of these are arbitrary reasons to settle a custody dispute in one way or the other.

It may not always be what a parent wants when a ruling is made.  Everybody wants to believe they are the best person for the job when it comes to being a full-time parent, but if you completely remove all emotion from the equation, sometimes the painful truth is that what is in the best interest of the child, and this includes long term, is often contrary to what one parent or the other wants.  But if there are circumstances that cause you concern for your child’s wellbeing, begin by consulting your attorney, so that he or she might advise you as to your legal course of action to rectify the situation.  This is because you do not want to be the one in violation of the judge’s orders.  Likewise, if you know your ex is in contempt, your response should be in the courts.

To prove contempt by California’s standards, one must first have a valid written court order.  This means a clear and concise written order detailing exactly when, where, and for how long a child must spend with each parent.  It is incredibly difficult to prove contempt on vaguely worded orders.  Usually, both parties have received copies of the court order to sign or are present in court when it is given.  There are occasions when one party is not able to make it to court or was not served with the written court order which can make it a challenge to prove knowledge of the order at all!  And finally, the accused must have violated the court order willfully.  This doesn’t mean your ex arriving late with your child due to traffic or a meeting that runs long, but rather not allowing that child to spend the agreed upon number of nights and weekends with you even though they know the terms of the written order.

At the end of the day, is it worth it to violate a court order to save yourself some money or to circumvent a custody agreement when the repercussions of those actions can mean steep fines or ultimately reduced custody for the accused?  Likewise, it may want to be considered that bringing a contempt of court proceeding forward to recoup past or partial child support payments may be more expensive than what you are owed.

The ins and outs of enforcing a court order can be confusing and complicated.  When it comes to something as emotional as your child’s health and well-being, it is tempting to consider fighting fire with fire, she wants to keep my kid from me, then I will just ignore the custody order too.  Don’t do it!  Remember, if you think your child is in danger, call the police.  If think your ex is violating the custody agreement OR if you think you might be served with contempt of court actions, it is better to have an experienced attorney navigating those complex legal waters for you.  There is too much at stake to improvise when it comes to the welfare of your children.

Tracy Duell-Cazes is a Certified Family Law Specialist by the California State Bar.  If you having issues related to child custody or there is a contempt of court possibility around child custody, contact Tracy at the TDC Family Law at 408-267-8484.

The dissolution of a marriage is never easy, even when amicable.  But when things are contentious and there are children involved, a tender situation can turn into a turbulent maelstrom of raw emotions, name calling, and conflict. You may be concerned about your ex’s parenting abilities, stressed about child support or financial issues, exhausted by conflict, or worried that you will never be able to get past all those relationship resentments that led to the divorce.  But for joint custody to benefit your offspring, it is vital to for you to overcome these challenges and develop a civil working relationship with your ex to provide your children with the stability, security, and close relationships with both parents they need.

Barring serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse, having both parents actively involved in their children’s daily lives- or co-parenting - is the best way to continue the standard of care and close relationships with both parents that they experienced prior to the inevitable disruption that occurs with divorce.  Putting aside relationship issues and hurt feelings that often accompany an acrimonious split can be easier said than done, but research suggests that the perception of a cordial relationship between co-parents can have a profound effect on the overall mental and emotional well-being of children and the incidents of depression and anxiety.

One of the things parents often lose sight of is that they are divorcing from a marriage, but NOT a family. "You're a parent first and a divorced parent second, so don't let the divorce play a significant role in your decision-making," says Montreal divorced dad Phil Clavel, the author of Dad Alone (Vehicule Press, 2003), a guide for divorced fathers. "Make decisions as a mom or dad, not as a divorced mom or dad." No matter how angry or upset you may still be about the divorce, be careful what you say when small ears may be listening. You don't want to give your children the mistaken impression that they were to blame for the breakup.
 
Remember that a child is a connection that you will always have, through years of graduations, birthdays, holidays, and family milestones.  If you want to your children to experience those events with a sense of security and well-being, you will make every effort to maintain a good working relationship with your co-parent.  AND, if you want to be a part of all those special moments, you will do your best to put aside any negative comments or expressions about your ex when around your mutual offspring.  Children are smarter than you think, and they want to be allowed to love and accept both their parents. 

By using only positive or at the very least neutral language about their other parent, you are effectively giving your child permission to behave naturally around both parents.  No one wants to be the bad guy that talks smack about Mommy or Daddy.  That way leads to withholding of invitations to special events for fear of causing undo stress during important occasions. 

Hostility makes co-parents work against each other, rather than as a team towards the same goal of creating happy, healthy well-adjusted little humans. Sometimes these adversaries use their children as messengers, or they withhold financial support or visitation to punish the other parent.  Rather than being a focused parent who acts for the kids' sake, it's really a way of excusing yourself from your co-parenting responsibilities.  And if you consider yourself as a team of one, the loser isn’t your ex.  It is your shared offspring. 

Consider carefully what you hope to gain with every communication.  If you don’t want to burn all your bridges and cause your kids to resent you or spend thousands on therapy, you will refrain from being rude, sarcastic, or accusatory when communicating with him/her. Above all, remember that your children's welfare must always be your priority. Contemplate the long-term effects on your children of everything you and your ex say and do, and you can create the best possible co-parenting situation.
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Joint custody arrangements can be draining, maddening, and anxiety inducing.  It can seem impossible to surmount all the pain and bitterness your shared history brings up. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to someone you’d rather forget about can seem like irresolvable tasks, however, the benefit to your children is worth making the effort. Despite the challenges, though, if you want the best for them, you can and must develop an amicable working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children.

If you have reached what you believe to be the end of your marriage, depending on your circumstances you may choose to either legally separate or file for divorce.  The difference between the two is simple.  When legally separated, regardless of living or financial arrangements, you are still married.  This means that both parties have chosen not to terminate their marital status and are not legally free to marry someone else. 

Ending this important relationship can be heart-breaking and/or infuriating, depending on the circumstances behind it.  You may have some hope of salvaging it peaceably before it comes to divorce.  Legal separation may seem less drastic, while divorce really represents the death nell to a part of your life.  Legal separation does NOT mean your marriage is over while divorce emphatically does.  If you find out you want to stay married AFTER the divorce papers have been finalized, you will have wasted a great deal of time and money needlessly.  This is why some couple can remain legally separated from months to years! 

There are quite a few other practical reasons that a couple might choose to file for separation as opposed to divorce. Among them religious beliefs, familial obligation or financial entanglement.  If neither ex is interested in pursuing a new relationship outside the marriage, putting off the actual divorce may seem like a way of easing into the more permanent legal status.  Whatever your reasons for separating, it is essential to protect yourself upfront and have all the necessary issues settled and agreed to in writing.  These include division of assets, responsibility of debts, spousal support (alimony) amounts, etc., issues that will eventually have to be addressed once you have filed for divorce.
 
In addition to these considerations, in California there is the added advantage of hastening the divorce process by first filing for legal separation.  The reason for this is that California, a no-fault state, does not allow for legal separation unless BOTH spouses agree to that route or one spouse defaults after having been served with the petition.  According to Legal Separation VS. Divorce in California, by Beverly Bird, “This means he must either refuse to participate in the process, allowing it to proceed without objection, or file a response to your petition, consenting to the legal separation. Otherwise, you have no choice but to file for divorce instead.”  

The requirements to file for legal separation are not as restrictive as they are for a divorce.  In order to file for divorce in a certain California county, you must reside in that county for at least three months and in California for at least six months immediately prior to filing the court papers.   This is not the case in legal separation, which has no time restrictions, which means you can file your paperwork with the Court right away which will result in a shorter time to finalize the case if you want to file in your new County of residence.  You can file the separation petition immediately, and then later amend that Petition to divorce once you have lived in that county for the required time.  The three/six month requirements begin from the moment you file that first Petition for Legal Separation. 

So many news articles today seem to favor legal separation over divorce for financial reasons, but they don’t take into consideration the long-term emotional effects of living in that limbo state of not being part of a married couple while still technically being married.  How can you move on, from a situation that obviously didn’t work, towards a new life without actually ending that situation?  Do you want to eventually meet someone else?  How will you explain the situation of not being able to fully commit to them because you are still married to someone else?  Even if this past experience has soured you on the whole concept of matrimony,  being labeled a “technical cheater” is perhaps not the best face you want to show to a prospective partner of any kind.  And the most harmful side effect to staying perpetually separated, if you have children, is the hope you are unconsciously giving them that their parents might get back together and reassemble the family they remember through rose colored glasses.  Finalizing that divorce may be just the signal everyone needs to adjust to the new reality.

The dissolution of a marriage is never easy, even when amicable.  When things are contentious and there are children involved, a tender situation can turn into a turbulent maelstrom of raw emotions, name calling, and conflict. You may be concerned about your ex’s parenting abilities, stressed about child support or financial issues, exhausted by conflict, or worried that you will never be able to get past all those relationship resentments that led to the divorce.  But for joint custody to benefit your offspring, it is vital for you to overcome these challenges and develop a civil working relationship with your ex to provide your children with the stability, security, and the close relationship children need with both parents.

Barring serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse, having both parents actively involved in their children’s daily lives, or co-parenting, is preferable.  This will allow the children to maintain contact and a close relationship with both parents just as they had prior to the divorce.  Putting aside relationship issues and hurt feelings that often accompany an acrimonious split can be extremely difficult. Research suggests that the perception of a cordial relationship between co-parents can have a profound effect on the overall mental and emotional well-being of children.  It can also lead to lower levels of depression and anxiety among children.

One of the things parents often lose sight of is that they are divorcing from a marriage, but not a family. "You're a parent first and a divorced parent second, so don't let the divorce play a significant role in your decision-making," says Montreal divorced dad Phil Clavel, the author of Dad Alone (Vehicule Press, 2003), a guide for divorced fathers. "Make decisions as a mom or dad, not as a divorced mom or dad." No matter how angry or upset you may still be about the divorce, be careful what you say when small ears may be listening. You don't want to give your children the mistaken impression that they were to blame for the breakup. 

Remember that a child is a connection that you will always have, through years of graduations, birthdays, holidays, and family milestones.  If you want to your children to experience those events with a sense of security and wellbeing, you will make every effort to maintain a good working relationship with your co-parent.  If you want to be a part of all those special moments, you will do your best to put aside any negative comments or expressions about your ex when around your mutual offspring.  Children are smarter than you think, and they want to be allowed to love and accept both their parents.  By using only positive or at the very least neutral language about their other parent, you are effectively giving your child permission to behave naturally around both parents. 

Hostility makes co-parents work against each other, rather than as a team towards the same goal of creating happy, healthy, well-adjusted little humans. Sometimes these adversaries use their children as messengers or they withhold financial support or visitation to punish the other parent.  Rather than being a parent who focuses on acting for the kids' sake, it is really a way of excusing yourself from your co-parenting responsibilities.  And if you consider yourself as a team of one, the loser isn’t your ex.  It is your child. 

Consider carefully what you hope to gain with every communication.  If you are rude or accusatory of your ex while speaking with your children, you may cause them to be confused, or resentful or uncomfortable to be around you.  If they take your accusations to heart, your actions may cause your kids to also be uncomfortable around your ex.  Now your child has no one they feel safe around.

Remember that your children's welfare must always be your priority. Contemplate the long-term effects on your children of everything you and your ex say and do.  This simple consideration can lead to a co-parenting agreement that is acceptable to both of you while fostering a healthy and safe environment for your kids.
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Joint custody arrangements can be draining, maddening, and anxiety inducing.  It can seem impossible to surmount all the pain and bitterness your shared history brings up. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to someone you’d rather forget about can seem like an irresolvable task. Despite the challenges the benefits of creating an amicable working relationship is well worth it when you see how happy your children are.

According to every major media outlet in existence today, Valentine’s Day is the day to celebrate love and happiness for couples everywhere…which means, those who have UN-coupled, whether by divorce or legal separation, may be left feeling a bit lonely and adrift. 
However, depending upon how you choose to approach the holiday, you can use February 14th as an opportunity to celebrate your new life and a new opportunity to be as happy as you deserve.

The first thing you need to realize is that you are not alone. Without the constant barrage of jewelry commercials and chocolate ads telling you that EVERYONE EVERYWHERE is in love, you must realize that there are millions of people on this earth in the exact same position that you find yourself in.  This means you are in good company! 
Also, think about all those friends and family members you have lost touch with during your marriage.  Reaching out to those loved ones you want to reconnect with provides more than just a balm to your loneliness, but also a chance to build yourself a nice support system going forward as a single person.  Going to a party, seeing a movie, or even just meeting for drinks with some friends are all great ways to fill the hours of that day, renew ties with old friends or build them with new ones , and establish yourself in the new social position you now find yourself in.

Maybe you don’t feel like being social, which is totally understandable.  You are still healing and need time to lick your wounds.  Never underestimate the value of self-care.  Man or woman, we can all stand to spend some time focused on the needs of the body, the mind, and the spirit.  Candles, bubble baths, a good book or even a tub of cookie dough ice cream can go a long way towards a feeling of comfort.    Send yourself a little something that you have been wanting…like that crockpot you didn’t get for Christmas or that autographed Game of Thrones figurine!

And if you have children, it can become the MOST fun to make them feel loved.  Making homemade Valentines with construction paper never loses it’s magic when assisted by copious amounts of glitter and metallic markers!  A couple of hours making cut out cookies with sprinkles is an easy way to make memories to remind you that there is more that one kind of love to be celebrated on Valentine’s Day!

At the end of the day, try to come to an understanding of what February 14th actually means to you.  Do you want to include others in your plans or would you rather focus on self reflection?  Whatever you choose, do things you love and treat yourself as you deserve to be treated.  With love.

If it seems that more couples announce divorce proceedings after the winter and summer holidays, a new study seems to bear that out.  Associate sociology professor Julie Brines and doctoral candidate Brian Serafini, presenting research at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association in Seattle, found what is believed to be the first quantitative evidence of a seasonal, biannual pattern of filings for divorce.  This is based on analyzed filings in Washington state between 2001 and 2015.

There seem to be multiple reasons for these patterns, the first and foremost being the preservation of the “cultural sacredness” of holidays when it comes to families.  During this time, it is generally frowned upon by friends and outsiders to ruin this special family time by breaking up said family.  Nobody with an ounce of sensitivity wants to be thought of as a monster by their loved ones.  And struggling couples may see the holidays as an opportunity to mend relationships and start fresh. The idea being, we’ll have a happy Christmas together as a family or take the kids for a nice vacation and things will be better.

These heightened expectations can backfire when met with disappointing results.  You are spending a concentrated amount of time with the partner that you are unhappy with, hoping against hope that things will be different, for a new beginning or at least something different.  But holidays are emotionally charged and stressful for most couples and, for those struggling with marital problems, can expose fissures in a marriage. This consistent pattern in filings, the researchers believe, reflects the disillusionment unhappy spouses feel when the holidays fail to meet those expectations.

This also allows both parties to say that they gave it one last try before throwing in the towel.  With the new year, resolutions for a new beginning lead spouses to get their lives in order-including health and finances.  Consulting an attorney at this point becomes another step towards that end.  Similarly, the onset of warmer, longer days and increased activity elevates mood enough to motivate people towards change. Brines wonders if similar forces are at play with divorce filings.

The pattern persisted even after accounting for other seasonal factors such as unemployment and the housing market. The researchers reasoned that if the pattern was tied to family holidays, other court actions involving families — such as guardianship rulings — should show a similar pattern, while claims less related to family structure wouldn’t. And they found exactly that: The timing of guardianship filings resembled that of divorce filings, but property claims, for example, did not.

It’s therefore reasonable to conclude that when the holidays fail to reinvigorate that happy family feeling, people may finally make those difficult decisions regarding the future of the family unit. 

If nothing else, what Brines and Serafini have shown us with their collective data, is that summer vacations, tax time and the whole "New Year, New Me" trope are quantifiable calendar indicators that may affect when people entertain the notion of the legal dissolution of marriage. In addition to demonstrating which times of year are most convenient for such serious, life changing resolutions, they also reveal theoretical breaking points that lead to these conclusions.

The holidays are a normally stressful time, even if your family hasn’t just gone through a painful separation.  In addition to all the typical stressors of the season, divorced parents are faced with a whole new set of complications and challenges: figuring out plans, blending traditions and deciding where festivities will be held.

It is always best to minimize the effects of these changes by first and foremost communicating with your ex and making every attempt to be on the same page.  The holidays can lead to heightened conflict between divorced parents, but remember, your kids take their cues from you!  If you appear to be stressed, angry, or upset, your kids will pick up on that and act accordingly—which is the last thing you want! 

It is easier said than done even if your divorce was amicable.  Remember the one thing you will always have in common is that you love your kids and want the best for them.  Whether a parent has sole custody or shares decision making, the first set of holidays following the divorce will be the most difficult for all family members.  You are still figuring out what works, dealing with the loss of those shared family customs, and scrambling to come up with new traditions.  Even though parents may be dealing with their own sense of grief, the holidays are a time when it becomes more important than ever to attempt cordiality.   Every commercial, movie, and TV program out during this time reinforces the cultural belief of togetherness and family during the holidays, and children are particularly sensitive to feeling lost or displaced because of drastic changes.

Sit down with your former spouse before the madness begins, away from the listening ears of curious offspring.  Hammer out some sort of equality regarding gift giving, so that no one feels like they are “losing” at parenting.  Maybe set a spending limit or agree on a joint gift to promote that equilibrium.  Remember that if you make parenting a game where someone wins and someone loses, the only person that really loses is the child being bickered over. 

So much is changing, and some traditions will have to be scrapped all together.  Many people choose to have an open conversation with children about which traditions are most important to them, and how to keep them up under these new circumstances, sometimes without one parent or the other.  Maybe one parent does a gift on Christmas Eve and the other does the stockings… Families can also use the new arrangements as an opportunity to bond over establishing new traditions.  The goal of the holiday time is to make happy memories for the children’s future.
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The plan going forward should establish in detail where everyone is going to be, at what time, and with the needs of the children being the primary focus.  Agreements with respect to parental communication, decision-making, accommodating changes, and spending time separately and together is crucial  to avoiding crises during what is a special and sacred time for children and parents.  Children will thrive when spending time with both parents and extended families, especially during the holidays.

If you were to just look at the numbers, you may say that there is definitely a bias toward the mother.  After all, 75% of the time, the kids end up living with Mom.  That number can be misleading since there is another number that you should know when it comes to deciding where the kids primarily live: 91%.  In 91% of cases, the decision to have the kids live with Mom are decided outside of the court, either through mutual agreement, mediation, or another alternative dispute resolution method such as Parenting Coordination.   In most cases where there is a bias accusation, these numbers are not taken into account.

In California, Family Code 3040 is very clear as to the order of preference when it comes to custody and at the top of the list is “To both parents jointly pursuant to Chapter 4 (commencing with Section 3080) or to either parent.”
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In deciding about either parent, the code also clearly states that in deciding on which parent should have custody, the court and law look to “which parent is more likely to allow the child frequent and continuing contact with the noncustodial parent.”

The guiding principle when deciding who the children should be living with is based on the best interests of the child and from the wording of 3040, it is clear that California believes that a child is better off with consistent and continuing contact with both parents. 

There are many other things a judge will take in account including:

• The child’s health, safety and welfare
• Any history of violence or substance abuse
• The nature and amount of contact with both parents
• Continuity and stability with regards to home and school life,
• The ability of each parent to care for the child
• The age and developmental level of the child
• The child’s emotional ties to the parent
• The child’s preference, depending on the child’s age and capacity to reason

When it comes to a father seeking custody, there are several things that need to be taken into account, with the biggest thing being time.  Historically, in most families, the father works longer hours and earns more of the family income.  Unfortunately, this usually means the father has less quality and bonding time with the children.  Seeking custody, especially full custody would require much more of a time commitment and either parent would have to make some big decisions about their priorities.  As every case is different with their own set of circumstances, you should never start with any assumptions.  Call Tracy to discuss your specific case.

Most people think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their own behavior.  If there are problems, they all must be because of your spouse, partner, friend, or family member.  The truth is that no one behaves perfectly in every situation all of the time.  To quote the Bard, to err is human.  Are you able to recognize your own behaviors that may be rubbing people the wrong way?  There are several selfish behaviors that can be having a negative effect on your marriage.  The hard part is that these behaviors can be happening without you even realizing it.

Listening to your spouse

Whether you are discussing your day or having an argument, most people are not listening to what their spouse is saying.  They are already thinking about their response.  The big problem here is that if you don’t listen and really hear what your spouse is saying, your response will not be based on anything that they have said.  You are missing the main points of what your partner is saying.  If you are discussing your day or even something minor, it will seem that you are not listening and are disinterested.  If this happens in an argument, it is then nearly impossible to resolved the issue,  because you are not hearing what your partner is saying.  Communication has to be a 2-way process.  A breakdown in communication is the number one issue leading to couples seeking counseling and eventually splitting.

​Not being open and honest

If you do not talk to your partner about things that are bothering you, then you have no one to blame when things are not changed.  You may be angry about something, but your spouse has absolutely no idea and cannot possibly fix the issue.  You may think that your spouse should just know.  No one can read someone else’s mind.  If something is bothering you, voice your concern.  This goes back to communication being 2-way. If you do not tell your partner something, chances are they do not know that a problem even exists.

Taking things personally

People get stressed.  There are so many different things in our lives that can cause high levels of stress and anxiety and most people tend to internalize their stress.  When people are stressed, they may not be the best version of themselves and people will display selfish behaviors or even be short and come across as angry.  If you take these behaviors personally, and respond in kind, then things can get heated very quickly. Try not to take things personally.  Once, again, communication is key.  Talk to your partner and see what is going in.  Instead of people a victim, you could even be the hero.

Consider your own quirks and mannerisms

Everyone has their own quirks, whether is it a movement, a word, or phrase, or a habit that they picked up along the way, like leaving the toilet seat up.  People are really good at pointing out the things that others do that annoy them.  However, most people are not self-aware enough to realize their own quirks and habits that may be annoying others.
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There is no such thing as a relationship that has no issues.  People, as relationships, are also not perfect.  People get together because there are things that they love about each other.  Over time, there may be things they see that they may not love.  Communication is a vital component to a successful relationship.  Being self-aware is also extremely important.  You can’t put everything on your partner.

Getting back into the dating scene after a divorce is a process.  You may take some time to learn to be on your own again, or you may just not have the time now being a single parent.  Some people don’t wait and jump right back into the game.  The problem is that the game has changed pretty significantly over the last few years.  If you were married for any length of time and are now dating for the first time in a long time, then things are going to seem really strange.

As with everything else in the world now, dating has gone online.  While there had been online dating sites for a long time, it wasn’t something everyone did.  Well, welcome to the future of dating.  Fire up your cell phone, download one or several of any number of apps, set up your profile and jump right in.

Let’s take a step back.  Before you jump in, the rules on dating have changed along with the technology and it is good to have a few guidelines for utilizing technology for getting out there.

Don’t pine for anyone.

Here is the first truth of online dating: the chances of someone you are interested in replying back to you is pretty low.  There are a lot of people online and people are possibly getting multiple responses to their ads and profiles.  It is unlikely and unnecessary for someone to respond back to everyone who reached out.  Don’t sit by the computer trying to analyze what other people are thinking and doing when you have not even talked to them yet.  Don’t cause yourself stress and anxiety trying to be a mind reader and absolutely do not read into anything or take anything personally.

Detach yourself from the outcome on first contact

Once you send someone a message or an email, let it go.  You may or may not hear back from the person.  Online dating is a numbers game.  Do not latch on to the first person you see.  Send out messages to people who you are interested in, but cast your net wide.    The more people you contact the greater your return will be.

Do not invest in anyone too quickly

This applies to anyone regardless of how you meet:  do not invest in anyone too soon.  Get to know people.  It is nearly impossible to get to know someone as you should in only a couple of dates.  Don’t cut yourself off from other possibilities too soon.  There is no rush here.  It takes a while to get to know someone and even longer to trust someone.  If you move too quickly you may find yourself in a place you do not want to be and, more importantly, you may miss out on the person you will really want to be with.

Never Presume

People’s social media profiles are their “highlight reels”. If you set your expectation on someone solely on their dating and social media profiles, it is almost guaranteed you are going to disappointed once you meet and get to know the person.  Almost nothing is as it first appears.  From a person’s looks to their attitude, sense of humor or their seeming never ending vacation of a life they present to the outside world.  Do not presume or assume anything about a person.  Don’t build someone up in your mind because that will only lead to the person never meeting your expectations and this not fair to you and it is not fair to the other person.  Get to know the real person.  Take profiles, pictures and descriptions with a grain of salt.  Assume too much and you will be disappointed, but if you go in without expectations, you may be pleasantly surprised.  Or you may want to run screaming.

Be realistic

Do your research into online dating and the sites you decide to use.  These dating sites are a business.  They are selling a product.  That product is a dream.  The dream of successful dating, the dream of getting remarried or dream of a fantasy.  Keep your expectations realistic.  There is  research that shows that about a third of the people on the online dating sites never meet anyone.  Be mindful of the world you are entering and keep your feet in the real world.  The point of dating is to have fun.  Don’t put too much stress on yourself.  If the process is not fun, then maybe you are not ready for it.