It seems a cliché to write about resolutions in the new year, but when you have just ended a marriage, no matter how long it lasted, it can be helpful to use the new year as a starting point for some smart choices towards beginning your new life. Taking stock in all that happened in that past year, no matter how painful, will help you learn from those mistakes, heal from them, and make better decisions going forward.
It is never a good idea to wallow in misery, even when the something truly life-shattering has occurred. Bouts of clinical depression may be unavoidable after extreme change, even if that change is positive, because the brain is a mysterious organ that often deals with different kinds of stimuli in the same way. It is still wise to try to mitigate the impact of that adjustment by heeding the advice of mental health professionals, surrounding yourself with supportive loved ones, and engaging in various acts of self-care.
Staying positive means adapting a policy of “It could always be worse, but it WILL get better”. No one is saying don’t talk about the divorce, or your feelings of loss or lingering anger. But it is advisable to then turn the conversation (and thought patterns) to any other topic. When you are with those people you trust who are supporting you, its ok to lean on them…that’s what caring about someone entails…but also interest yourself sincerely in THEIR lives. Steer the conversation in a direction of positivity…What can I do for you? What can I plan? What can we look forward to? By focusing outside of yourself, you are reconnecting with your friends and family and most importantly, thinking beyond your own personal miserable past. It can be exhausting to constantly recount all the things that went wrong with your relationship and ultimately your life with your ex.
Letting go of past grievances
It is impossible to focus on your possible shiny future, if you are still bitter towards your ex…even if he or she totally deserves it. The thing about that is, even if the ex was abusive, a cheater, squandered all your money or stole your dog, your being unhappy and disgruntled towards everyone and everything does not get even, if there even is a way to do so. Imagining getting even can be a great exercise in creative thinking but spending too much time on those thoughts will bleed over into all you say and do. Honestly, your ex is not affected at all by your sniping bitterness, because they are gone. You and the people around you are the ones who will suffer, and if your ex returns your hatred, you may be playing right into their hands with your cynicism and visible hostility.
George Herbert famously said, “Living well is the best revenge.” If you think about it, allowing another person’s actions to change how you behave even after they are no longer sharing your life, is tolerating that person holding way too much power over you. Whether they want that power or not, no one else should be allowed to change who you are on a fundamental level, unless it’s for the better.
Should you decide to date, acting like a disillusioned cuckold will do nothing to help you keep the attention of a prospective mate. Again, no one is saying lie and fake being happy. You went through something, for some more painful than others. You should own that, but prove you bring more to the table than your past heartache. Faking happiness is counterproductive to truly BEING happy, which is the whole point, anyway.
Fill your life with plans.
Plan fun things. Plan interesting things. Plan to do things you really enjoy. Heck, plan to get out of bed, shower and go to the grocery store in something other than sweatpants! Whatever you put in your Outlook™ calendar, DO it!!! These plans are about setting small doable goals for your future, and every time you keep those plans, you are keeping a promise to yourself that life is getting better.
Sometimes things may get bad. You may choose to take a few days here and there to just be sad. You may break some of those plans to have those sad days, call a good friend and cry or yell about your ex. You are entitled, because it’s all part of healing. You must grieve properly in order to be able to one day have that big, beautiful future everyone deserves. Be kind to yourself. Be mindful not to let these slip-ups become all you know and are. Resolve that this is going to be a good year because you will do the work.
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