The New Year is fast approaching and for most of the world, this means a chance to jumpstart our lives on the right footing. New Year’s resolutions aside, bidding adieux to what may have been a painful year, filled with divorce and family reformulation, can be invigorating. On top of shedding all that sadness is the prospect of the possibility of experiencing NEW adventures. As humans, in constant search for connection, the search for a life partner can seem the most rewarding, exciting, and daunting adventure of all!
Are you ready for dating? Experts on the subject have differing opinions as to when it is appropriate to move on from a failed marriage. Heaven knows our loved ones give us plenty of encouragement to “get back on the horse”. For many couple friends, the sooner you find someone to round out the numbers for a dinner party, the better. What others advise, no matter how well meaning, there are many personal and complicated factors to consider when approaching a return to the dating scene.
The most sensible piece of advice, as described by WebMD columnist Lisa Fields, is to go by your own inner voice above and beyond all others. Everyone may be telling you it’s time to get out there, but for some of us, a grieving period is necessary. Depending on how long you were married, and what sort of divorce it was, you may need a longer period of adjustment just to get used to your new normal, much less the addition of someone else to the mix. Many people associate being in a relationship as being happy and successful, and they want that for you because they care, but it doesn’t mean it’s true. Finding out who you are outside of a long-term relationship can take time and is probably a good idea before engaging in another round of coupledom.
On the other hand, some people have checked out of the marriage long before the papers are signed. You may have felt for months or even years that you were done and just kept putting off ending it for convenience, or the kids, or for of the unknown. In this case, who could blame a person for itching to check out what’s out there. Actually, some will try to blame you if they think it’s too soon, but again, only you can determine when that right time is. Children should be considered, of course, but being respectful and discrete in your romantic endeavors will hopefully help to protect them from unnecessary discomfort until you have found someone serious enough to introduce into your lives.
One of the ways to tell whether you are ready to date is by examining your attitude. According to Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., relationship expert and author, considering the type of date you would be able to offer is a good way to determine if you should be dating at all. If you can offer nothing beyond bitter stories about your ex and/or the divorce or can’t help being mopey and cranky about your lot in life, perhaps you might not be able to provide the best dating experience. In this article from AskMen.com, Dr. Michael advises, "A man is ready to date again when he has a good attitude about dating. When he's ready to have some fun and get out there and meet new people and be open. Dating with a bad attitude will only result in bad dates,". In other words, and valid for both men and women, would YOU want to date you?
Once you have determined that you are really prepared to get out there, and can claim to be jazzed about love and romance, and not just the physical aspects of a relationship, then you can begin to contemplate how to go about sorting through the many, many, MANY others in the same situation to find the one that is right for you.